Unknown

Hey there,  yes I am posting again.

Life has been so busy.  So much has happened.  I do not even know where to begin.  I landed a good paying job.  My baby sister is now living with us.  A lot of the issues have stemmed from those two events.  Some days…I feel so lost.  Other days I am fine and dandy.  A close friends brother died last night, which raised a whole new set of issues for me.  Issues I thought I had dealt with.  Questions such as “Why can I not help him?”  and “Why does this happen to good people”  were raised in my mind. 

I am going to leave it there for now, just until I can think again.

Puzzled

I am now working.  I watch cheese go down a conveyerbelt for 12 hours a day and make sure nothing jams the line or breaks or whatever it wants to do.  I get paid 19 dollars an hour.  I work 4 days on and have 4 days off.  I really look foward to the weekend after working 48 hours in 4 days.

Working has made it easier to live with.  Apart from the fact im never here and if I am…well I am usually alseep.  I also do not have to rely on other people except my dad because I do not have a car yet.  I can do stuff with my kids.  The other day we were decorating scrap books so they can leave me messages and i can do the same.  Yes I was being all arty too.  Cannot expect kids to do something mummy will not do with them right?  I am not able to see the kids much but I will still be there. 

So my question to you all…

Do you have any ideas on what I can do with my kids when i do see them to make the time special?

I have no idea..

After the access weekend…I have a better understanding of myself and my kids.  The kids grandmother is finally seeing what i have been talking about since she got care of my kids.

I discovered that my brother in-law has been downloading porn onto the computer that my kids use…it is in an in-secure file and my kids have been looking at it.  I personally find that inappropriate.

My sister in-law…well I hate her anyway but all she does is yell at my kids.  The grandmother thinks it is damaging the kids being in a house that has yelling going on all the time.

I am sick of everything.  I do not know where I am headed.  I was told I need a vacation…does going insane count?

Talk about embarrassing?!

I have a sister.  Her name is Ana Alicia.  We call her Ana.  She dragged me to the city yesterday.  She took me to a sex shop.  She told me to find her a waterproff vibrator insisting it was not for her.  She took it up to the counter, red as a beetroot.  The guy at the counter asked her if she had enough lube and if she needed more.  I pissed myself laughing because I know Ana.  She hates the fact that I keep giving her greif about it.  How can I not?  With that much ammunition and an extremely funny experience, how can I not?

Excited? Frustrated? Angry?

Send out the battle cry

 We are going to war.

That about sums it up.  Some days, it feels as if the war will never end.  The war I am speaking of is the one to remain ourselves, to not eventually give in and change into what people want us to be.  For me it is a never ending battle to survive.  For some it is to retain the courage to speak up.  For others it is whatever it is they seek. Some are at war with themselves even.  Some one said something that got me thinking.

Forever young, Forever beautiful, Forever free to be me.

I think I will grab that with both hands and run with it.  So much wisdom in one statement…
In some ways, I think there has been a power shift.  Things are falling into place.  Change is inevidable.  What to do with it is what is confusing and frustrating.

Send out the battle cry.
We are going to war.

You were right.

Rememeber how you said I should take a vacation?

Remember how you said I have taken so much for so long?

Remember how I said that the stress fractures were showing?

The stress fractures broke yesterday.  I had a complete emotional meltdown.  I was in hysterics…yes, me.  The one who acts like it would never happen.  The one who can play act so well that no one at work knew anything was going on.  My dad did not know what to do.  I do not think anyone quite understands what caused it apart from you.

What am I going to do?  As I am completely devoid of emotion right now, I can actually think logically.  I did not realise just how much emotion can colour a decision or a reaction to something. 
So the question is what am I going to do about the situation.
I have a plan, a three step plan.  I am never going to let myself get to this point again. 

You know how I have never really asked for help when I have actually needed it?  This time I did.

In other news…well, I will not have to deal with the ex for a few years…he is off to uni to become a doctor!  I discovered that I can do my degrees at home….
The children are doing just fine.

I will survive this just as I have survived everything else…

It was…It is…It will be?

Ok Edrei…here goes.

I was that girl who helped you build a ramp and hit herself in the head with a hammer. 

I was that girl who stood up to you because she did not like your tone of voice. 

I was that girl who ran away from school that day just to see if her mother really cared.

I was that girl, who when she knew you were cheating…said nothing

I was that girl who let bad things go unsaid because she was scared.

I was that girl who attempted suicide five times then realised that maybe, just maybe she was meant to be here.

I was that girl who could not protect her sisters from the evil that has destroyed one and made another a rebel without a cause. 

I was that girl who was in trouble with the police every other day 

I was that girl, who in highschool was the best musician in the class.

I was that girl who promised to show you her first born but you died seven months before he was born.

I was that girl who named her oldest son after you in your memory

I was that girl who got married and is now getting divorced.

I was that girl who met you online just when I really needed a friend.

I was that girl who sank so low, that prostitution and drugs were more important than the one friend who had stood by me.

I am that girl who told the world to go to hell.

I am that girl who kicked her habits.

I am that girl who is striving to be the best she can be.

I am that girl who is sorry for all the pain caused.

I will always be that girl who will try to fix what is probably not fixable.

I will never change who I am really because if I did…then who would I be?

SOB had balls!

I was at work last night and the security guard remarked on how hot this dude was.  I in turn remarked on the fact i tend to notice girls more than guys…it is no secret that I am bisexual.  A guy walked in just as the security guard was saying that she notices girls aswell.
I asked “But would you do a girl given the chance”
She said “No”
I said “There in lies the difference”

The guy just happened to get aroused by the conversation and asked me what time I got off work.
I said “7:15 and no” knowing what the next question would be.

A couple of hours later he came back.  He came back with his number and a photo of his girlfriend and propersitioned me in the supermarket…
My responce was….”I said no before and I am saying no now…dude, you need to leave now.”

This is not the first time Ive been asked to shag someone because they think I am easy.  Supermarkets are really odd places.  I have lost count of how many guys have given me their numbers.  Though i did get told by a chick that I am cute, granted she was pissed as a chook…but still.

In other news…I made a new friend, his name is kris and for once it is only a friendship…well apart from Edrei…

The email

This is the email i just got…the one that made me sit in stunned silence

 Hi, Tracey,
Sorry it’s taken me this long to get back to you. Congrats on making some big forward steps in your life. I hope it continues to go well for you.

I had a bit of a blow this year myself – got diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer – but a month ion hospital and now daily medication are keeping me pretty perky, so everything’s fine again. In the meantime, Jun came home to help me with the company for a year, and it’s really nice to have him around.

Basil’s birthday was on July 16. Did you get to hang out with him for it? Say hi from me, would you?
Cheers,
Graham

How is one meant to react to that?  Like a good soldier I will handle telling the family…Im the only one he emailed with this by the looks of it.  God..life just gets better and better.

And life throws a curve ball!

Lately…I have been working on a few things.  The kids, moving back home, new job, staying sane…

Then life throws a curve ball at the most inoportune moment.  Sometime I wish I could be like Edrei or Jack sparrow…yes those two have the same qualities.  Never thought I would ever compare them though…Anyway!  They just go with the flow, whatever life throws at them.  Im trying, god knows I am but it seems I have trouble letting go of the control factor I have always had to have.

Work wants me to stay another week.  I do not really want to but chances are I will.  I am so frustrated.  I so need to get laid!  I hate my job at the place im at now…the one chick I tried so hard to get along with has gotten me in the shit once again because I covered her ass.  So tonight im off to work with one of the most laid back chicks ever.  What the hell is with me covering for people?  Why can I not just be the bitch I used to be?  Have I really grown that soft? 
I have one thing to say to those I have tried to help and then have it thrown in my face “FUCK YOU ALL, SEE YOU ALL IN HELL”