Cant remember…

At midnight…yes midnight, I decided to go to a mates place and have a couple of drinks.  A couple turned into 5 hours of non stop drinking, a club where I kicked ass at pool, an groups of old guys outside a strip club, road cones and a truck….oh and the security guard.

Alright.  We started at her place by drinking a dozen between us.  When we got board with that, we went into town to a bar where the cow was buying me shots of vodka…yes vodka, a drink i do not go near unless im trollied.  We were playing pool and I noticed an old guy staring at us so I confronted him….this is why I do not go near vodka, yeah…he started getting physical so we left.  We then found ourselves outside a strip club and we were going to go in but this group of old guys asked if we wanted to go back to their place and have a party…aparently I shattered his man ego.  We left there and found road cones on part of the road where they were doing road works…yeah we kinda blocked off a couple of lanes on a couple of streets, a truck actually stopped and moved the cones out of the way.

I am oh so hung over right now and I have to do a grave yard.  Last night at work a guy was telling me all about how i would be groping him id he was handcuffed to his steering wheel, naked.  I looked at him and simply said “I’m not into guys that much” and he shut up.

Thats all from me

Dead on my feet with 10 hours to go.

Alright.  The last 36 hours have been somewhat of a trial…however!  I am going to give…or try to give a running commantary of what has transpired.  Bare in mind I have been up since 5pm on the 29th of july…it is now…9:11pm on the 30th of july.

I got up at 5 to a phone call which annoyed me a lot.  this is how the call went.

Tracey: What?!
Sharon: Are you still wanting to go to the meeting with Cyfs tomorrow?
Tracey: Yes
Sharon: Are you ok?
Tracey: I got to bed at 10am and I wanted to sleep till 8pm…no chance of that now
Sharon: Ok..I will let you go then
Tracey: See ya.

I started work at 10:45pm and I was meant to finish at 7am…full cash up and all which takes around 20 minutes.  They let me off at 6:55am.  I had to be out of the store at 7am to be on the road so I could make the meeting at 10:30am in a city which is 3 hours away by car!  So I got out at 7:05am (miricle in itself)  and we got to our destination by 10am (another miricle).  Then the phone rings…it is the social worker.  Here is how that call went.

Tracey: Hello?
Rachel: Hi Tracey, I am just calling to say don’t come up to the office yet as we have had an incident.
Tracey: What kind of incident?
Rachel: A violent child.  Wait..I will call you back, the cops have arrived.

So the meeting did not start till 11am.  It went really well and in my favour.  Rob was there and everytime I got snarky, Sharon would kick me…that really pissed me off.  Rob buried himself…which was really funny to watch.  He is being forced to pick up Michael from kindergarten.  My remark when everyone had left was…lying son of a bitch.  It is all ok now though.  I get my access.  We have to work out days where we both can have access with the kids where we wont be in the house at the same time at my request.  But now I have to go to work till 7:15am and I have had no sleep.  Divorce is still 2 weeks away…I have started talking to an old love interest again…Yes I know I know…Bad move but I needed him at the time.  He was there to offer and unbiased opinion where my other confidant was not able to be there due to prior commitments.

Anyway…that is all I think…I think…yep mind has died now…

Blah!

You know what?  I just made the comment to a friend that I hate everyone but him.  Things have gone south so fast and I do not have the foggiest how to pull myself out.  However!  Life can go kiss my ass because the same friend I made that comment to also told me one day that I am a survivor.  I remember that day clearly.  He is right.  I am a survivor and Ill be damned if a huge bump in the road is going to take me down and out!

So there…

The call one never ever wants to get…

Ok…first I need to apologise to one person for just vanishing on them last night.

I got a call from the police back in my home town…

Dad asked me if the police had contacted me and my response was this “No, why? I have not been in trouble with them since I was 17…what do they want with me?”
As is turns out, a very bad man was arrested back in march.  Ten years ago, I made an allegation against him for sexual abuse.  Eight years ago, my sister made an allegation against him for the same thing.  He was arrested for the same thing.  The police want to catch up with me and get my statement.

I have to relive some of the worst yet defining moments of my life.  I am terrified.  A close friend told me that he is there for me.  Can one really understand what it is to have to do this if one has not been through it? I have no idea but I will accept his help because god knows I am going to need it.  See! I am getting wiser.  My comment about understanding if one has not been through it was made simply because all through my life, one person excluded, people have professed to know what I have been through.

This man that was arrested…was remanded in custody for two weeks then let out on bail.  The entire thing is going to trial and the chances are he will go to prison.  We were not the first and were not the last.  I have tried so hard to put it behind me and forget…

My tolerence at work last night was non existant and everyone noticed.  I was sent home early because I lost my cool with an argumentative customer trying to buy alcohol for someone who I had previously declined due to the lack of ID.  All I did was tell him to fuck off, I had already said no and the answer was still no…

I am 24 years old, unable to hold a steady relationship, almost no sex drive, about to take a government department to court, getting divorced, and now have to deal with the police on a matter a decade old.  What a great time I am having.  Life goes on thought, right?  Someone tell me I am going to come out the other side of this crap.  Please?

Perplexed? Join the club.

Ok, I know I bitch a lot about trivial stuff but it is not so trivial this time…or at least part of it is not trivial.

I had been waiting for the 4th of July as those closest to me would know already so I could file.  File for divorce that is.  Last week I have one of my friends turn up on my doorstep at some ungodly hour (I work graveyards so anything before 5pm is an ungodly hour) with the comment “you have now been served”

I have never been served legal documents in my life…these were divorce papers.  DIVORCE PAPERS!  My ex husband filed for divorce before me.  I want to know why.  Why he put the wrong date on them as to when we split.  Why he was to much of a coward to give me any warning.  Why he wants to push this through so fast. 

I wanted this and now I am not sure how to deal with the fact that I wasted 6 years of my life on him.  How could I have been so stupid?  I should have listened to everyone when they told me it was going to be the biggest mistake of my life to marry him.  Now most people, when I say that, automatically think that I am also saying my three beautiful, precious children were a mistake aswell.  They can all go kiss my ass!  My children are what keep me going.  They never were and never will be a mistake.

I have been preoccupied all week and people I work with have noticed I am not my usual talkative self.  Why must people press me when I say I do not want to talk about something.  Truth be told…I do want to talk about what is happening, just not to them.  The one person that actually tells me what is what is the only one I will confide in….oh, and the people who actually read this.

It is almost as though I am grieving over this who fiasco I called my marriage.  It sounds stupid and….immature almost to be saying that…but it is how I feel and I own that.  I am sick and tired of people testing my patience.  I do not understand why people feel the need to ask questions where questions are not warrented.  I am utterly confused as to why people ask stupid questions.  Why can people not just think through what they want to say before they say it? 

Why?

Frustration is just the tip of the iceburg…

As some know, I have been blogging fairly erratically lately.  There has been some very good reasons for that, which I will explain eventually.

Frustration, Fear, Confusion…. Just a few of the many emotions I have had contaminating my moods of late.  Today…I say I hate my life a fair bit, today I actually seriously meant it.

“What happened for you to seriously hate your life?” One asked me today

I had a meeting with a governmental organization to get supervised access with my children, in the hopes that after three months I will have gained their approval and they will allow me to take my children out on my own.  Without everyone hanging on and destroying what work I am able to put in.

A week ago, a friend of mine turned up at my place and we go to talking as one does.  I was in such a state of dispair concerning my children and the entire situation that I had honestly given up.  I did not feel as if I could carry on.  I am doing somewhat ok now…

Anyway, back to the issue today.  I had the meeting and was informed of everything they expect from me.  I am expected to do everything perfectly, I am not allowed to be a human being with normal emotions.  I am not even allowed to take my children to the toilet because of rules.  I am NOT by any stretch of the imagination, a super woman or super mother.  I am going to make mistakes, I am after all only human.  It is in how I handle those mistakes that will shape the outcome in the end.  Why am I the only one to see that.  I did however talk to my social worker…she is all about how I am feeling.

I am moving home…not back to my dad’s place but back to New plymouth.  I moved from there to Hamilton a year ago and I feel it is time to return and really go for my children, to have them be a huge part of my life again.  To be able to be a mother to them.

The meeting today made me use one phrase I have not used in a while.  “pressure, much?”  What that means is I feel like I am under a tremendous amount of pressure and I cannot do anything to free myself of it.  Those who are my closest friends know that, once I am put under extreme pressure…like that of being expected to be super mother when I cannot meet that expectation because I have not been able to be a true mother to my children for the last two years….I do not do well.  I am afraid, truly afraid.  I am afraid of failing.  Frustration reigns supreme behind the fear of failure.  Two steps foward, three steps back.

Differences

We had an egyptian security guard which I moaned to Edrei about on a couple of occasions.  This security guard was totally useless and accused us kiwi women of being rude…he also did that when I was in a very bad mood and so I responded with a rather insensitive remark.  Perhaps I was wrong to do so but damn it was satisfying. 

Anyway, the point of all this rambling…yes there actually is a point, is that he did something I did not understand.  He refused to lift boxes of beer on a friday.  That one action led me to ask questions.  He is a muslim.  He treats his wife like she is worthless.  He does not seem to understand that he is not in Egypt now, he is in New Zealand and he cannot treat us with what we see as utter disrespect with which he treats his own women.  Women are not allowed to speak in public.  Women have to be covered head to toe.  I do not understand what the reasoning behind it all is.

I guess it is because I have not had to grow up and live within the confines other countries have had to.  I am beginning to realise that New Zealand is a fairly free country.  I mean we are a democratic country…and I guess no matter how much I slam the politicians, we have it pretty easy over here.

We are all different, we should all be allowed to display those differences freely.  Our differences are what make us who we are, our pasts shape us into the adults we become but perhaps our differences allow us to stay somewhat sane?  I am terrified of losing my freedom in more than just my country, I guess my terror is more a physical and emotional terror in the way that if I get into a committed relationship…Ill lose my freedom and independence.  Some fight to get free, I fight to stay free.

In some ways I am trapped by inner demons.  I have the odd emotional meltdown.  For the most part I am alright, my flat is my sanctuary and god help anyone who invades it uninvited from now on. 

Ok.  I know Ive started rambling but I needed to get it out onto a page to see what I am thinking.  My thoughts are jumbled a lot these days, what better place to unscramble them than here?

I am now done.  Hopefully some of what I said can be understood. 

Unintelligable ravings of a lunitic….

Ok…where to start.

A guy comes into work and asked me if it is true about the bananas…
My response “What about the bananas?”
His answer “If the bananas are pointing up in your trolley/basket, does it mean you are single?”

Guy comes into work high on cocain…buggered if I know what he was on about.  Cannot help but think of the song “they’re coming to take me away”

Saw a guy NOT dressed in drag walk out of work in platforms not even I would attempt to wear…and I love heels.

Canada played New Zealand in the rugby and we kicked ass! final score…63 – 13 to us.

Social worker has told me not to lose focus.  Ex hubby is being an ass once again.  Had an emotional meltdown not that anyone noticed.  I do not understand anything not backed up by logic.  I have retreated into myself.  Ended it with the boyfriend…I am never having another man again.

I am sick of having to be nice all the time.  I am working mostly graveyards now.  People ring me at ungodly hours.

A regular at work questions me on churches and religion.  I am not even sure I believe in god anymore.  My faith is shaken, mental stability is shaken, physically drained.

Do swedes come from sweden? I am talking about the vegetable not the people.

I read the latest in the fae series and it is not as good as the rest but…it is the fae series and it has doyle all naked and stuff so I guess that makes up for it.

I am back home visiting my kids….I made it a surprise….Dj ran into my arms, Joshua did not seem to care, and the first words out of Michael’s mouth was “I love you mummy”

Ill be back next weekend to go to the kids school production.

Thoughts are jumbled, cannot make sence of them….ill be back later.

moan and groan..

Another week down.  I worked 56 hours.  I am so tired at the end of the week.  In ten hours I will have worked 62 hours.  One might ask why I work such insane hours.  Answer is simple…I love my job and they need me.

I am taking the weekend off though.  Got to see the family and friends back home.  Something has been bothering me these past few days.  My ex husband has a new grilfriend.  On one hand that is the best news anyone could give me because now he will leave me alone.  On the other…questions raign supreme in my head.
Who is she?
Is she decent enough to be around my babies?
Does she know I exist or am I going to have to be given the third degree like last time?
Does she treat my babies well?
Is she trying to usurp my role?

Do I have a right to be asking these questions? Or do I simply sit back and wait for her to put a foot wrong? My ex has had a really bad taste in women since… we got married.  It is not that I do not want him to be happy…I just want decent people around my children.  Is that too much to ask of him?  I do not want to create yet another fight between us.  What am I to do?

I decided – part 2

As I said yesterday…for those who do not know latin.  I will seize the day while its still here.

I was talking with a couple of people yesterday about the fact I got asked out at work and how i have been unable to just go with the flow.  Well…I made a promise to myself and to one particular friend that I will from now on try to do just that, go with the flow.

In other news.
I wont be on as much next week because I am double shifting all week…go me!  Work myself into the ground now so I dont have to do it later.